Even though a gifted child might complete a homework assignment in half the time their peers would take, getting them to start or finish it can be challenging. This can result in report cards that don’t reflect their true abilities, leaving you questioning whether your child is just being lazy and wondering how to make them more engaged in school.
While this can be frustrating, experts advise approaching the situation with empathy as you search for solutions. Psychologist Ellen Braaten, Ph.D., who leads the Learning and Emotional Assessment Program and chairs pediatric neuropsychological assessment at Massachusetts General Hospital, suggests that parents look for patterns in where their children struggle with completing tasks. Then, offer support as they navigate the unique difficulties that come with being gifted.
“It’s crucial to identify the specific barrier that’s causing the problem,” says Braaten, who wrote Bright Kids Who Couldn’t Care Less: How to Rekindle Your Child’s Motivation, a guide for parents to better understand and motivate their gifted children. Sometimes, the missing piece could be anxiety about the project or difficulties with executive functioning. Other times, the child may feel overwhelmed because they’re unsure of their progress. Once parents understand the specific issue, they can help their child overcome these challenges.
Braaten shared insights on recognizing the reasons a child may seem unmotivated and how to set realistic expectations for gifted children without overwhelming them:
You’ve dedicated a significant amount of time to researching what drives children. What advice do you have for parents to assist gifted children who struggle with starting tasks, assignments, and projects?
There are various reasons why children may struggle to begin tasks, and it’s important for parents to investigate where the process is stalling. Sometimes, kids have difficulty identifying what needs to be done, especially with open-ended projects, as they might not know where to begin.
However, your child may not be able to explain what’s preventing them from starting if you ask in a broad way. Instead, try asking specific questions like, “Do you have everything you need?” “Do you understand what you’re doing?” or “Can you explain the project to me or tell me what questions you need to answer on this worksheet?”
Once those obstacles are identified, how can parents help kids develop the ability to stay on task?
Persistence isn’t just about pushing through when things get tough; it also involves being able to assess where you are in the process. Many kids get frustrated because they feel like they’ve been working for a long time and can’t accurately judge how close they are to finishing. As a parent, you can assist your child by helping them understand where they are in the process and what still needs to be completed.
Gifted kids can easily become overwhelmed and feel incapable of completing a task, especially if they’ve made multiple mistakes, encountered setbacks due to careless errors, or veered off track. Supporting their persistence means helping them recognize their position in the process and what remains to be done.
“Parents often micromanage because of their own anxieties and concerns about their child’s future.”
The third challenge you mention in motivating gifted children is a lack of passion or enthusiasm. How can parents find the right balance between encouraging their kids and avoiding constant nagging or over-managing their activities?
There are a few factors at play with gifted kids that parents often overlook. One is that these children may lack persistence because they haven’t needed to develop it. When things usually come easily to them, facing a challenge can quickly lead to frustration. This is when gifted kids might say, “This is stupid,” or “I can’t do it.”
For most people who aren’t gifted, learning has always been a struggle. They’ve had to work hard to understand things. But for a child who found math and reading easy, suddenly having to tackle something more difficult or outside their usual strengths can feel overwhelming.
From observation and experience, it seems that many parents of gifted or exceptional children tend to be overly involved or prone to micromanaging. Why is that?
This behavior often stems from their own anxieties and concerns about their child’s future. They want to ensure their child reaches their full potential, but this can create a lot of pressure on the child. When kids are under too much pressure, they may start to resist doing things altogether.
As a parent, it’s important to figure out whether your child’s resistance is a reaction to you or if they’re indicating that they simply don’t have the capacity right now due to a lack of experience with challenging learning situations.
What should parents focus on regarding executive functioning?
In addition to evaluating their child’s ability to manage tasks and self-monitor their behavior, parents should also pay attention to working memory, which is another key aspect of executive functioning.
“One of the most common mistakes I see parents of gifted children make is allowing giftedness to become a central part of the child’s identity.”
Additionally, emotional challenges, such as difficulty managing behavior or controlling emotions, can become significant problems for some kids. These issues often lead to unhealthy behaviors when they face frustration.
As gifted children grow older, how should parents adapt their approach to motivating them?
As children age, it’s important for parents to shift from giving advice to actively listening. Older kids are more developmentally prepared to tackle problems on their own and learn through trial and error. They naturally want to assert their independence from their parents and other adults.
Since they are less likely to take advice directly, it’s more effective for parents to guide them through understanding how things work rather than dictating how they should handle them.
What should parents keep in mind regarding their expectations for their gifted children and how it impacts their motivation?
Parents often set expectations for gifted children that are too high and sometimes misplaced. They may focus on achievements in subjects like math, reading, or music, putting undue pressure on the child. However, a child’s gifts might not always align with their passions. It’s important to align expectations with what brings the child joy and meaning, rather than imposing expectations based solely on their abilities.
